Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Learn Something New Everyday

Sometimes when I'm trying to be creative with photoshop (trying being the operative word here) I have the computer read articles to me.  The articles just didn't sound right in a male voice so I went to the system preferences, onto the options for speech and lo and behold there a tiny people in my computer!

It wasn't just a male voice reading to me.  Bruce has been reading to me this entire time! But that's not all! Not only do I the options of having Bruce, Alex, Junior, Vicki, Victoria or Agnes read to me but there is also the option of reading to me in a "hysterical" voice, "bubbles" voice, "good/bad news" voice...the list goes on.

Guess how I spent my entire day.

That's right, super productive.

In other news, my abs are a little sore today.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Party Thoughts

I like parties.  The drinks, the fun, the fun drinks, the general merriment in the air and...–well, it's mostly the drinks.  However, I am not a fan of throwing parties.  When I say "throwing parties" what I mean is when a party takes place at my house–these parties are not (ever) my idea and I am not (ever) the host. I just happen to live at the house where all the family parties are at like the one being thrown on Saturday.

I'd like to reiterate that I do like parties.  It is just nice to be able to go to a party when you are ready and then leave when you're done.  It's not very comfortable when somebody shows up, family or otherwise, and I am in blue polka dot jamma pants and my hair looks like I got in a cat fight in the back alley of a dive bar (apparently, I dream about jazzercising) and I am stuck in the kitchen for all the world to see until I've scooped all the avocado out of the avocado skin (this is as close to "cooking" as it gets for me).  The only thing remotely appealing about this picture are my eyelids.  Eyeshadow always looks better the next day, if only the under eye mascara and sleep* weren't tainting The Look.

This [not so] pretty picture coupled with pre-cleaning and post-cleaning are just about the main reasons for my lack of enthusiasm for these events.  I suppose there are advantages, like not having to worry about parking.  If my very cute heels are wreaking havoc on my feet I am at liberty to change them.  When I get cold my own jackets are available to me.  And I can drink without having to worry about driving home, borrowing pajamas and brushing my teeth with my finger.

All these Pros, and the one con of cleaning (alone) took the cake. That, ladies and gentlemen, is an Avid Lazy Ass.  I should be one of the features in the Freak Show at the Circus but I'm too lazy to apply.  I would be a hit too. Imagine all the people that would come to see me so they can say to their self, "Oh wow, I'm not that lazy." and feel better about their own lazy habits.  I would be boosting self-esteem across the nation and make my mark on this world!

But then that wouldn't make me very lazy now would it? I will just stay true to myself and keep my ass  on the couch and put it off one more day like the Lazy Ass Procrastinator I am.

* "sleep" is what I call that cakey stuff.

Monday, May 17, 2010

Bad Words

There are those 4 letter words that offend people like shit, fuck and bitch.

('4 letter words' is a figure of speech.  I can count.)  

(Except when I'm drinking.  When I'm drinking I cannot be accountable for anything, which is why I'm such a fan of alcohol but that's another post for another day.)

These '4 letter words' are not offensive to me, (Clearly.) but there are words that get my knickers in a twist.  And not in a good way.  One is a place where education and learning is supposed to happens it begins with an S and ends with an L. 

And another is what English teachers torture students with to get reading material because, apparently they are above getting free books at public libraries or reading blogs like regular poor people.  I think they make students do the E-word to make themselves feel better about their spelling, punctuation and grammar skills.  Ordinarily I wouldn't blame them for trying to feel better about themselves and get some free reading material where they get to pick the topic because everybody deserves a little self-confidence about their skills and not everybody likes the library because homeless people shower in the sink on Sunday mornings.  Perhaps they have overdue books that they need to pay off or are allergic to dust.  Whatever the case may be English teachers are on My Shit List for assigning these torturous e-words and picking on my run-on sentences.  My sentences are gonna run a marathon one day and who's gonna have the last word then?! That's right. MY athletic sentences that run-on for miles. 

It's a skill.

It's that dreaded time of the year for me and my colleagues.  It's F-time with a week of E-words.  A stressful week indeed. One of my teachers tries to jazz it up by calling the e-word a "Festival of Knowledge," but this little missy will not be fooled with this trickery of verbage.  I know the symptoms of the e-word.  Where there are number 2 pencils and scantrons there are no Festivals.  Festivals involve liquor. 

I'm pretty sure. 

...well, this can be arranged.  Where did I put my flask... I better get to "studying." 
*wink* *wink* *nudge* *nudge*

Monday, May 3, 2010

Mad Skills

Over a year ago I was sitting bored in my office cubicle, What a fool I was for complaining about school. Learning is great! What I would give to go back to school & not work anymore.  How could I think school was such torture? Just pay attention and do the assignments–total cake walk.  I disapprovingly thought of my former self while I e-mailed my friends, googled myself, pondered why the lines on lined paper are blue instead of pink or green and pretended *ahem* while I was hard at work all day.

But now. Now, I remember.  Essays, Exams and homework (Oh my!), these are now the bane of my existence.  School follows me out of the classroom into my home and everywhere in between; this ghastly Ghost of School haunts me, nags at me relentlessly until the homework and studying gets done (which is basically every minute of everyday but we'll get to that in a minute).

It's like a damn gnat at a BBQ–just buggin'!

No paycheck at the end of the week. No, all of your efforts are met with a grade and the next gnat assignment.

It's blasphemy! Blasphemy I tell you!!

On the bright side, my return to school has refined one particular skill.

Procrastination. (Well, and drawing stick figures.)

It's true dear reader, I, Pretty Witty, am a master in the Art of Procrastination.

Had an essay to write this weekend.  I started a blog. And (Oh yes, you better believe there is, indeed, an AND!) brainstormed nearly every detail of a party that is 3 months out. Naturally, these details will be set aside until it gets down to the wire when these details magically transform into annoying ghostly gnats.  (It's a gift.)


I'm sleepy now, I will just finish up the essay in the morning before class.

Don't try this at home folks, I'm a professional.
(Pro-Procrastinator, not sleeper.  You should definitely try sleeping at home.)