Bad Words

There are those 4 letter words that offend people like shit, fuck and bitch.

('4 letter words' is a figure of speech.  I can count.)  

(Except when I'm drinking.  When I'm drinking I cannot be accountable for anything, which is why I'm such a fan of alcohol but that's another post for another day.)

These '4 letter words' are not offensive to me, (Clearly.) but there are words that get my knickers in a twist.  And not in a good way.  One is a place where education and learning is supposed to happens it begins with an S and ends with an L. 

And another is what English teachers torture students with to get reading material because, apparently they are above getting free books at public libraries or reading blogs like regular poor people.  I think they make students do the E-word to make themselves feel better about their spelling, punctuation and grammar skills.  Ordinarily I wouldn't blame them for trying to feel better about themselves and get some free reading material where they get to pick the topic because everybody deserves a little self-confidence about their skills and not everybody likes the library because homeless people shower in the sink on Sunday mornings.  Perhaps they have overdue books that they need to pay off or are allergic to dust.  Whatever the case may be English teachers are on My Shit List for assigning these torturous e-words and picking on my run-on sentences.  My sentences are gonna run a marathon one day and who's gonna have the last word then?! That's right. MY athletic sentences that run-on for miles. 

It's a skill.

It's that dreaded time of the year for me and my colleagues.  It's F-time with a week of E-words.  A stressful week indeed. One of my teachers tries to jazz it up by calling the e-word a "Festival of Knowledge," but this little missy will not be fooled with this trickery of verbage.  I know the symptoms of the e-word.  Where there are number 2 pencils and scantrons there are no Festivals.  Festivals involve liquor. 

I'm pretty sure. 

...well, this can be arranged.  Where did I put my flask... I better get to "studying." 

*wink* *wink* *nudge* *nudge*

Mad Skills

Over a year ago I was sitting bored in my office cubicle, What a fool I was for complaining about school. Learning is great! What I would give to go back to school & not work anymore.  How could I think school was such torture? Just pay attention and do the assignments–total cake walk.  I disapprovingly thought of my former self while I e-mailed my friends, googled myself, pondered why the lines on lined paper are blue instead of pink or green and pretended *ahem* while I was hard at work all day.

But now. Now, I remember.  Essays, Exams and homework (Oh my!), these are now the bane of my existence.  School follows me out of the classroom into my home and everywhere in between; this ghastly Ghost of School haunts me, nags at me relentlessly until the homework and studying gets done (which is basically every minute of everyday but we'll get to that in a minute).

It's like a damn gnat at a BBQ–just buggin'!

No paycheck at the end of the week. No, all of your efforts are met with a grade and the next gnat assignment.

It's blasphemy! Blasphemy I tell you!!

On the bright side, my return to school has refined one particular skill.

Procrastination. (Well, and drawing stick figures.)

It's true dear reader, I, Pretty Witty, am a master in the Art of Procrastination.

Had an essay to write this weekend.  I started a blog. And (Oh yes, you better believe there is, indeed, an AND!) brainstormed nearly every detail of a party that is 3 months out. Naturally, these details will be set aside until it gets down to the wire when these details magically transform into annoying ghostly gnats.  (It's a gift.)

*yawn*

I'm sleepy now, I will just finish up the essay in the morning before class.

Don't try this at home folks, I'm a professional.
(Pro-Procrastinator, not sleeper.  You should definitely try sleeping at home.)